How Somatic Experiencing Helped Me Heal Inner Child Wounds and Regulate My Nervous System
Throughout my childhood and into adulthood, I experienced repeated rejection by friends. When these painful moments happen often enough, it's easy to start believing, “There must be something wrong with me. I’m not likable. People will always reject me. I’m not worthy.”
To borrow the words of Sadness from Inside Out: “Goodbye, friendships. Hello, loneliness.”
Recently, I told my therapist that it feels like I have this “factory setting” inside me—this internal program that expects people to hurt me or disappear. Because of that, I tend to approach relationships with a sense of guardedness. My therapist gently invited me to pause and notice moments in my life where I did feel welcome.
To my surprise, there were small but meaningful experiences where I truly felt included—like a neighbor waving with warmth, a friend remembering something important to me, or a client expressing gratitude. As I recalled those moments, I felt a shift in my body—from contraction and caution to a more open, expansive sensation. There was more flexibility, more breath, and even a little ease.
How Trauma Shapes Our Nervous System
Many of my clients hold core beliefs rooted in early trauma:
I am not safe.
I’m not worthy.
I should have known better.
I’m helpless.
These beliefs aren’t just thoughts—they shape how our nervous systems operate. When the body has been stuck in survival mode for years, it often defaults to chronic states like:
Sympathetic arousal (fight or flight): anxiety, restlessness, hypervigilance
Dorsal vagal shutdown: numbness, fatigue, disconnection, difficulty concentrating, dissociation
Somatic Experiencing (SE) helped me understand that healing doesn’t have to come from reliving trauma. It can begin with noticing safety, connection, and ease—even in small doses.
When we engage in gentle, non-threatening experiences like exchanging a smile with a coworker, making small talk with a barista, or spending time with our pets, we invite our nervous system into the ventral vagal state. This is the state of safety and social connection, characterized by calm, curiosity, and a feeling of being grounded in the present.
For those of us with unhealed inner child wounds, we often operate from younger emotional parts—parts that think in black-and-white terms and default to protection strategies. By gently guiding our nervous system into safety, we show our inner child that we have new tools now. We’re capable of connecting with others, protecting ourselves in healthy ways, and choosing supportive relationships instead of chasing approval from those who continually reject us.
As I’ve developed more flexibility in my nervous system, I’ve found myself more open to new opportunities and connections. I no longer feel the need to chase after people who don’t see my worth. Instead, I can turn toward those who genuinely value and respect me. I don’t have to operate from my old “factory setting” anymore—the one wired for rejection and self-protection. I’ve received a system upgrade. Now, I move through the world with more ease, choice, and self-trust.
Nervous System Regulation Exercises: Tools for Healing
Here are some practical nervous system regulation techniques rooted in Somatic Experiencing, polyvagal theory, and mindfulness. Try a few that feel safe and accessible to you.
🧘♀️ Body-Based (Somatic) Exercises
These techniques work directly with the body to gently signal safety and support self-regulation.
Orienting: Slowly turn your head to look around your space. Let your eyes land on something visually pleasing or neutral (like a plant, a piece of art, or the texture of a curtain). Notice any shift in your body—maybe a breath, a softening, or a sense of presence.
Grounding Through Feet or Seat: Press your feet into the floor or feel the weight of your body in the chair. Notice the contact, pressure, and support beneath you.
Pushing Against a Wall or Table: With a gentle, steady pressure, push your palms against a solid surface. Feel the engagement in your muscles and the support that pushes back. This can increase body boundaries and presence.
Rocking Rhythmically: Gently rock your torso forward and back or side to side. This rhythmic motion mimics early soothing (like being rocked as a baby) and can calm the nervous system.
Butterfly Hug: Cross your arms over your chest and alternately tap each shoulder with your hands. Use slow, soothing rhythms. This is a simple yet powerful way to offer self-soothing and bilateral stimulation.
🌬️ Breathwork
Breathing is one of the most direct ways to influence your autonomic nervous system.
Extended Exhale Breathing: Inhale for a count of 4, and exhale for 6 to 8 counts. A longer exhale activates the parasympathetic (calming) response.
Box Breathing: Inhale for 4 – hold for 4 – exhale for 4 – hold for 4. This structured breath rhythm can bring balance to your system.
Sighing or Voo Sound: Take a deep breath and sigh audibly, or make a long “vooooooo” sound. This vibrational breath supports vagal tone and often leads to a spontaneous release of tension.
🧠 Mindfulness + Visualization
These techniques engage the imagination and awareness to cultivate safety and compassion.
Body Scan: Slowly bring your attention through each part of your body, from head to toe. Simply notice sensations—tingling, tightness, warmth—without judgment.
Safe Place Visualization: Picture a place (real or imagined) where you feel completely safe, supported, and calm. Engage all your senses—what do you see, hear, smell, feel?
Inner Child Soothing: Visualize a younger version of yourself. Offer them kindness, comfort, and reassurance. You might imagine wrapping them in a warm blanket or speaking to them with gentle words.
🎶 Rhythmic and Creative Activities
Rhythm and creativity help regulate the nervous system by tapping into primal and expressive systems.
Drumming or Rhythmic Tapping: Use your hands or a simple instrument to create steady rhythms. This can be grounding and empowering.
Singing, Chanting, or Humming: These activities vibrate the vagus nerve and foster calm. Try humming your favorite tune or chanting “Om.”
Dancing or Shaking: Move your body freely or shake out tension starting from your arms, legs, or hips. Shaking can help release stress and bring in vitality.
🐾 Relational + Co-Regulation Tools
Healing can also come through connection—with people, pets, and presence.
Eye Contact with a Safe Person: A warm, connected gaze can signal safety and activate your social engagement system.
Holding a Warm Cup: Wrap your hands around a cup of tea or coffee. The warmth, weight, and texture offer immediate calming input.
Petting an Animal: Gentle touch with a pet (or even imagining doing so) can bring a powerful sense of comfort and co-regulation.
🖐️ Tactile/Touch-Based Tools
Safe touch helps your body feel grounded and soothed.
Hand on Heart or Belly: Place your hand on your heart or stomach. Breathe into that area and feel the warmth of your own touch.
Holding a Comfort Object: Keep a grounding object nearby—a smooth stone, stuffed animal, or textured item—and hold it when you need support.
Healing the inner child isn’t about “fixing” what’s broken—it’s about nurturing what was once neglected, shamed, or overwhelmed. By working with the body and nervous system, we create a new internal reality: one where we can feel safe, connected, and worthy just as we are.
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