Why Your Parent’s Focus on Weight Was Never About You

Growing up, I internalized the painful message that love came with conditions — and one of those conditions was being thin.
I remember the comments like they were etched into my skin:
“Don’t you want to lose weight?”
“You have very thick legs and a big butt.”
“You should wear a longer shirt to cover your fat butt.”
“I don’t understand why someone would feed themselves so much and get so fat.”

At the time, it all felt so personal. My body became the battleground for approval. I believed that if I could just lose weight, I’d finally be enough. I’d finally feel safe, accepted, and loved. Maybe, if I were thin, they would back off — and I could find some peace of mind.

But no matter what I did, even using extreme methods to lose weight, the comments kept coming:
“You’re so much prettier now. You were so fat, I just didn’t want to tell you.”
And then, I’d hear them constantly complain about their own bodies. I was terrified — terrified of gaining the weight back.
You get the idea — peace of mind never came.

“Jane” I-Chen Liu, MA. LMHC | Founder of KareKounseling PLLC
Specializing in EMDR, IFS, & Somatic Experiencing

The Truth I Found After Years of Healing

After years of healing through EMDR, IFS, and Somatic Experiencing, I’ve come to understand a profound truth:
Their obsession with my body was never really about me.

It Was About Their Fear

Parents don’t usually wake up thinking, “How can I hurt my child today?” But many of them were raised in systems where thinness was equated with worth, discipline, beauty, and even morality. Diet culture — still a dominant force — often signals economic status and social acceptance.

Your mom’s criticism may have been her way of trying to “protect” you from a world she feared would be even harsher. Your dad’s silence may have been rooted in his own unexamined biases and pain. Their comments were not love — but they were tangled up in their own internalized oppression and unhealed trauma. They hadn’t done the work to promote growth and accountability.

That doesn’t make it okay — but it does offer important context.

It Was Also About Their Prejudice

Part of the painful focus on weight often comes from deeply ingrained societal prejudices around body size, race, and appearance. Many parents—whether consciously or unconsciously—carry biases shaped by cultural standards that prize thinness, often linked to narrow definitions of beauty, worth, and success.

These prejudices are reinforced by a society that judges people’s value based on how closely they fit these ideals. Your parents’ comments may have reflected not only their fears but also their own internalized biases about body size and appearance.

Understanding this doesn’t excuse their words or actions, but it helps us see that their criticisms were about their own conditioned beliefs — not a reflection of your worth or beauty.

Recognizing this can be freeing. It reminds us that those judgments aren’t about us — they’re about the cultural lens our parents grew up with, and the limitations they couldn’t see beyond.

The Wound Was Real — And It’s Not Your Fault

Even if your parents thought they were helping you, the impact was the same:

• You learned your body was a problem.

• You learned your value was conditional.

• You may have started policing your hunger, overexercising, bingeing, or disconnecting from your body entirely.

This isn’t vanity. This is trauma.

Healing the Real Root

In EMDR intensives, I work with people just like you — people who were told their bodies were “too much,” who lived in fear of not being lovable unless they shrank themselves.

Together, we process core memories — the dinner table comments, the school weigh-ins, the subtle looks of disapproval — so your nervous system can finally rest. We work through blocking beliefs, painful memories, and uncomfortable body sensations.

Using Internal Family Systems (IFS), we listen to the parts of you that developed extreme coping strategies — the perfectionist, the food controller, the bingeing rebel, the part that gave up. All of these parts were simply trying to protect you from pain.

With Somatic Experiencing, we slow down and gently reconnect you to your body — not as an object to be fixed, but as a place to live with tenderness, curiosity, and compassion.

If needed, we also work on releasing the burdens your parents unintentionally placed on you — so you no longer have to carry their trauma. This creates space for compassion — both for yourself and for your parents.

And we learn to appreciate our bodies — the source of vitality, life, and resilience. Isn’t that beautiful and worth celebrating?

You Were Never the Problem

Your parents’ focus on your weight was about their pain, their fears, and their beliefs.
But it’s not your legacy to carry anymore.
You don’t have to spend your life trying to earn love by shrinking yourself.

You can choose healing.
You can choose to reclaim your body — not through control, but through compassion.

👉 Want to explore what healing could look like for you?
Let’s talk about EMDR intensives for body image trauma.
You are worthy of peace in your body — and I would be honored to walk with you on this journey.

Curious about my practice, you can visit my website here.
If you would like to contact me to set up a FREE consultation, email me at karekounseling@gmail.com

KareKounseling PLLC is located in Lynnwood, WA, and proudly serves clients throughout Washington State. If you’re searching for a trauma-informed therapist near you who specializes in EMDR, IFS, and Somatic Experiencing, I’m here to support your healing journey.