Do you ever find yourself replaying mistakes over and over, or feeling like no matter what you do, you’ll never be enough? That heavy feeling has a name—shame.

Shame is a universal emotion—it whispers when we stumble, hurt someone, or act outside our values. This is what we might call healthy shame. It helps us pause, reflect, and do better next time.

But when shame becomes constant—overshadowing our days with doubts like “I’m not good enough,” “I’m unlovable,” or “There’s always something wrong with me”—that’s no longer healthy shame. That’s toxic shame.

what is toxic shame and how to deal with it

A Story About How Toxic Shame Begins

Picture a little girl bursting with pride, clutching her new drawing. She rushes to show her parent, heart full of hope.

“Why are you wasting time on this? You should be studying,” her parent replies sharply.

If this happens once, the sting may fade. But when dismissal and criticism happen again and again, and the validation never comes, the message sinks deeper: “There’s something wrong with me.”

For a child depending on caregivers for food, love, and protection, it feels impossible to think, “My parent is overwhelmed.” Instead, her developing mind concludes, “It must be me. I am the problem.”

Now imagine this girl grows up. She’s in a meeting at work and hesitates to share her ideas, convinced they’ll sound “stupid.” When a friend compliments her, she brushes it off because it feels undeserved. In relationships, she feels like she has to perform or please to be loved.

What began as a survival strategy in childhood becomes an identity in adulthood. That’s how toxic shame embeds into the nervous system and sense of self. It’s also why many people with complex PTSD (CPTSD) struggle with toxic shame as a constant companion.

The Difference Between Shame and Toxic Shame

Healthy Shame

Temporary and situational
Sounds like:
- “I made a mistake, and I can make it right.”
- “That wasn’t how I want to show up. Next time I’ll try differently.”
Guides us toward repair, growth, and healthier connections

Toxic Shame

Chronic, pervasive, identity-based
Sounds like:
- “I am a mistake.”
- “I’ll never be enough.”
- “If people really knew me, they’d leave.”
Instead of guiding you back to connection, it isolates you. It keeps you small, hidden, or endlessly overachieving to prove worth.

How Toxic Shame Becomes Entrenched Through Developmental Trauma

Toxic shame almost always has roots in developmental trauma—the subtle, ongoing wounds of childhood. It may look like:

Parents who were emotionally unavailable, critical, or unpredictable
Being shamed for your feelings, needs, or mistakes
Growing up with conditional love—you had to earn approval
Lacking consistent comfort, safety, or protection

Children can’t see these experiences through an adult lens. Instead of recognizing a parent’s limitations, they turn the pain inward:
“If I’m not being loved, it must be because I’m unlovable.”

That belief—the seed of toxic shame—often gets carried silently into adulthood.

Why Shame Lives in the Body

If you’ve ever felt your chest tighten, shoulders slump, or eyes drop to the ground when shame arises, you know that shame isn’t just in the mind—it’s in the body.

Because shame is often learned in our earliest relationships, it gets wired into the nervous system. That’s why you can’t just “think your way out of it.” Affirmations like “I am enough” may sound nice, but without addressing the body and the parts of you that carry shame, those words rarely stick.

Why Healing Shame Requires More Than Talking

Healing toxic shame means reaching the nervous system, inner child parts, and early relational wounds where shame began. Approaches like the NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM), Somatic Experiencing (SE), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and EMDR therapy offer doorways into this deeper healing.

1. NARM (NeuroAffective Relational Model)

NARM gently explores how early attachment wounds shaped your identity. It helps you notice present-day patterns of disconnection and self-blame and see them as survival strategies—not as your true self.

Example: You notice yourself apologizing just for existing. In NARM, you learn this came from trying to stay safe as a child—not because you’re “too much.”

2. Somatic Experiencing (SE)

SE works directly with the body. Shame often shows up in collapsed posture, shallow breathing, or an urge to hide. By gently tracking sensations and letting stuck energy move, SE helps your body rediscover safety and resilience.

Example: Instead of shrinking inward when shame arises, you practice grounding your feet, lengthening your spine, and breathing more fully—reminding your body, “It’s safe to take up space now.”

3. Internal Family Systems (IFS)

IFS sees shame as carried by “parts” of us—often young inner children who believed they had to take the blame to keep love. By meeting these parts with compassion, they can release the burden of shame they’ve carried for decades.

Example: A child part might whisper, “If I’m the problem, maybe my parent will still love me.” In IFS, you meet that child with the love and safety they never had, so they can finally rest.

4. EMDR Therapy

EMDR helps reprocess painful memories tied to shame. Instead of being stuck in the past, your brain integrates the memory in a new way. Over time, shame loses its grip, and new beliefs like “I am worthy” take root.

Example: A memory of being humiliated in school may once trigger deep shame. After EMDR, that same memory feels distant, and your body responds with calm instead of collapse.

Brené Brown’s Wisdom on Shame

Researcher Brené Brown defines shame as:

“The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

She also reminds us:

“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. If we speak shame, it begins to wither.”

Her work highlights that shame heals through empathy, vulnerability, and connection. When we name shame, share it with safe people, and receive compassion instead of judgment, its grip weakens.

As she often says, “Shame cannot survive being spoken and met with empathy.”

Reflective Prompts to Begin Your Healing

Take these gently—no pressure, just curiosity:

When shame arises, what physical sensation do you feel? Where does it live in your body?
Can you remember the first time you felt like you “weren’t enough”? What did that younger self need in that moment?
What would shift if you saw shame not as “who you are,” but as a survival strategy from childhood?
Think of a time someone met you with kindness instead of criticism. How did your body respond?
What small act helps you feel safer in your body—pressing palms together, soft breathing, or grounding your feet?
Whisper to yourself: “I am worthy of love, exactly as I am.” How does it feel to say that?

A Message of Hope

Toxic shame tells us we’re broken, but the truth is—we were never broken to begin with.

Healing isn’t about becoming someone new—it’s about remembering the wholeness that was always inside you. With compassionate support and approaches like NARM, SE, IFS, and EMDR, you can:

Release shame from your body
Reconnect with your authentic self
Build self-compassion
Cultivate connection and belonging

As Brené Brown reminds us, shame doesn’t survive empathy and being spoken aloud.

Your story matters. Your healing is possible. And you deserve a life no longer defined by shame, but by connection, self-trust, and love.

Why Do I Feel Shame All the Time?(What Is Toxic Shame and What to Do with It?)